166. Feeling Green Around the Gills
“Biology,” Amy answers. She’d actually thought about becoming a doctor back in high school, but had found the pre-med coursework a bit too heavy once she’d gotten to college. Still, she has some aptitude for bio and figures she's learned enough to fake it.
“Excellent, excellent. I think I could use your expertise developing a new myco-toxin. Walk this way and I’ll show you the breeding area.”
The doctor leads Amy to a heavy metal door. He opens it and gestures for her to enter. She finds herself in a rather larger underground chamber lit by black lights. She steps forward and her boots sink three inches into something soft and squishy.
“Yeeuck!” As her eyes adjust to the light Amy sees that the entire floor here is covered in very moist soil. Mushrooms of all sizes are scattered about the ground. The black lights cause them to glow purple, green, and a variety of other psychedelic colors. Amy’s not one to partake of hallucinogens, but she imagines this was what the world must have looked like to Jerry Garcia when he was alive.
“Just tend to the mulching. You’ll find a pile of refuse on the back wall. Scatter it about, but be careful not to disturb the mushrooms. If you need it, you’ll find a gas mask around here somewhere.” Doctor Carluzzo looks at Amy significantly over his glasses, “But I trust you’re not so clumsy that it will be necessary. Now, off to work with you!” With a dismissive wave the Doctor leaves the room and shuts the metal door behind him. KLANG!
Amy finds herself alone in the dark. She waits for her eyes to adjust, but finds all she gets is a headache from the black lights and the piercing colors. Back in her first year of college she’d had a friend, Karen, who replaced the fluorescent tubes in her dorm room with black light tubes. Karen was a computer science major who lived in the dark anyway, so it hadn’t been a big deal for her. Karen’s roommate, Stephanie, was a history major. After three sleepless nights trying in vain to read The Rise and Fall of the Roman Empire under the black light she’d snapped and showed up to classes dressed as Julius Caesar, wearing nothing but a white bed sheet and a crown of laurels. The last thing she was heard to say as she was dragged off to a mental institution was “Et tu, Brute?” Amy is beginning to sympathize with Stephanie’s way of thinking.
Amy steps forward cautiously. Splosh! Splosh! Splosh! “Good thing,” she thinks to herself, “I wore sensible hiking boots.” She decides she’d better find that gas mask and begins feeling her way along the side wall. Splosh! Splosh! Splosh! “I wish that stupid mask was painted in a black-light friendly color so I could actually see it!” Splosh! Splosh! Spla-DOOOSH! Amy’s left foot catches on something and she tumbles forward, landing face-first in the peaty earth.
“Yuck!” She shouts, spitting dirt out of her mouth. She stumbles to her feet. Some dirt got into her eyes as she fell, so she begins trying to rub it out. Forgetting the deadly fungi that surrounds her, she takes some flailing steps in the darkness.
Psssssssh! Amy’s foot lands on something solid and she hears a hissing noise. Having cleared her eyes out she opens them and takes a look around. She’s surrounded by a strange greenish haze. Beneath her feet are the fluorescent green remains of a mushroom.
“Uh oh.” Amy starts to panic. She takes a deep breath as she turns around and tries to head for the door. Her lungs catch fire as the air she breathes in, laden with spores, burns her throat. She reaches the door, only to find that there’s no handle on this side. As her hands scramble at the door she notices that she can see better. In fact, her hands are becoming visible now.
“What the-“ Amy looks at her hand, which is rapidly turning fluorescent green. Indeed, her whole body is becoming green! As he body glows brighter she begins to feel a bit… less solid. She watches a droplet form on the bottom of her arm, then fall off to the ground. “Oh dear,” she thinks to herself. She looks down to find her feet pooling in her shoes as her jeans slide downward off her rapidly-diminishing hips. She feels herself shrinking as a puddle of Amy grows on the ground. “This sort of thing is why I hated bio lab,” she thinks to herself as she finally completes her transition to a liquid state.
A few hours later Doctor Carluzzo comes to check in on his new lab assistant. To his chagrin, he finds the mulch still exactly as he left it, and there’s no sign of his lay-about assistant. Finally his eyes fall on a new patch of bright green mushrooms. He first notices a patch of them growing out of a pair of brown leather boots. His eyes follow a path of mushrooms upwards to a pair of blue jeans, then a pair of heart-print panties, a pink bra, and a black t-shirt. At the far end grows a rather large mushroom. This one has a pair of black glasses sitting on it, looking almost as thought it’s wearing them.
“Ah. I guess you’ll be sticking around longer than I expected,” Doctor Carluzzo smiles to himself.
Amy is in no state to continue this adventure or her life.