217. Fire Walk With Me
Amy takes a moment to mentally prepare herself for the pain that's about to come, then rolls to her left onto the stones. To her shock, she discovers that the stones aren't actually hot at all; apparently they haven't been warmed up yet.
Stacy looms over Amy. “What are you doing?” she asks, looking at Amy as though Amy just suggested they turn off Keeping Up with the Kardashians to watch a political debate.
“Oh! Um, I like the hot stone massage, and this is totally how they do it in, like, Tibet!” Amy tries to act knowledgeable-in-a-teenage-way, which is to say, utterly confident but completely full of crap.
Stacy seems suitably impressed. “Oooooooh, that's soooooo coooool that you know about that.” She then corrects herself, “I mean, of course, I knew about that too, but it's cool that you know, also.”
Amy goes on, “Yeah, I'm tooooootally relaxed right now. In fact, I think it would be a bad idea for you to massage me because then I'd be like, TOO relaxed, you know?”
Stacy looks skeptical. She reaches down and picks up one of the room-temperature rocks. “How are you getting relaxed from these rocks?”
Amy falters a bit. “Oh, um, well... I'm aligning my inner chakras to extract the inherent heat from the rock. Like, the spiritual heat, you know? It's, like, totally a higher level of heat.”
Stacy seems to be into this nonsense. She looks suitably impressed. And then, just like that, she's bored again.
“I know!” she lights up, “lets do something about your hair!”
Amy's hands go up to her head. “Oh, but I really like my pony-tail, it's super, like...” she digs through her brain to try to recall what kind of language the popular girls used back in high school. Sadly, Amy didn't actually spend that much time amongst the popular girls, unless they were tormenting her with nicknames and wedgies and pantsings. After an awkward pause, she settles on, “like, cute and stuff?” She does manage to stick the landing by inflecting her voice at the very end, turning a statement of fact into a question.
Stacy just rolls her eyes and points at Amy's crotch. “The hair on your head is terrible and super UN-cute, but that's not what I'm talking about. You totally need to get a Brazilian wax. Pubes are mad gross and everyone knows the boys prefer it smooth down there.”
Immediately every hair on Amy's head (and elsewhere) stands on end. She considers giving Stacy a lecture about not changing her appearance to suit what boys like, or telling her that not all guys like bare crotches, or that a totally hairless crotch makes you look like a pre-pubescent girl or a porn star. Instead, all she can get out is, “Gee, I don't know....”
“Come on! I'll do it for you! Just get up in the chair and I'll start the wax heating!”
Amy doesn't want hot wax on her crotch. Amy also doesn't want to have her pubic hairs forcibly ripped from her body. And Amy REALLY doesn't want either of those tasks entrusted to Stacy.
What should Amy do?
Tell Stacy she prefers her hair natural
Tell Stacy she just dyed her hair