229. A Little Lightheaded
“Sociology,” Amy declares proudly, a smug look on her face. She had attained highest honors from the sociology department and would be receiving a departmental award at graduation next week.
“Oh!” Doctor Carluzzo breathes a sigh of relief, “So you ARE a test subject! Something must be wrong with the chute, so Boswell sent you down the stairs! Now let’s get you prepped…”
Amy feels a tinge of frustration. Her friends at school had all been “hard science” majors and she was sick of them looking down on her for taking “soft classes” in the social sciences. “Now, wait just a minute! Sociology is just as much a science as any of those other disciplines. Why, from Max Weber and Emile Durkheim, down to the present masters of the field, Sociology has developed a reputation for rigor that matches-“
At this point, in response to an unnoticed signal given by Doctor Carluzzo, the hulking behemoth clasps a hand around Amy’s mouth. Placing another hand on the neck of her T-shirt, he yanks downward. RIIIIIIPPP! Amy’s eyes widen. “MMPH! MMMMPH!” The creature pulls back on the strap of her pink bra. Streeeeeeeeetch! Pop! BOING! The bra bursts apart in the front, liberating Amy’s breasts, which bounce a little at their new-found freedom.
Turning his attention downward, the monstrosity hooks its hands into the waistband of Amy’s jeans and, with a mighty heave, pulls backwards. RIIIPPP! The monster’s strength is enough to tear away Amy’s jeans at the sides as though they were rip-off stripper pants. Amy’s eyes widen as she realizes she is standing in a mad scientist’s laboratory, naked but for boots, socks, and heart-print panties, and in the grasp of a horrendous homunculus.
The beast reaches down and picks Amy up by the waist, carrying her, kicking and screaming, to the lab table. In short order he has her strapped in. Doctor Carluzzo appears at her side.
“Now then,” Doctor Carluzzo says, “this is an excellent opportunity to test my mental amplification device. I have a theory that intelligence is related to the electrical impulses of the brain. Put simply, your feeble mind lacks the juice for higher mental functions.”
“Hey! I’m plenty smart!” Amy is pretty proud of her intelligence and hates having it insulted. “I’m the top student in my department and-“
“That’s lovely, dear,” Doctor Carluzzo pats Amy on the head. “Now, what I’m going to do is put these nodes in a position to easily access your brain here…” the doctor pulls down a large, pointy device with a series of concentric rings around it that looks to Amy like a science fiction death ray. He carefully maneuvers it into Amy’s left ear, then walks around to her other side. “… And here.” He repeats the process with an identical device inserted into her right ear.
The Doctor walks over to a large panel. “Now then, let’s get this started, I’ll just pull the master switch and…”
The air sizzles around Amy as the twin devices crackle to life. A sharp pain in her head quickly subsides and is replaced with a feeling of… satisfaction? Power? Amy’s mind races faster than it ever has before. Suddenly she understands anti-derivatives and integrals, a subject that had always eluded her in calculus. She turns her mind to other subjects. Of course! Nietzsche makes sense now! She feels her mental acuity growing with each passing second.
“How do you feel?” shouts Doctor Carluzzo.
“Fantastic! General relativity is so simple! Of course objects will tend to increase in mass, and thereby reduce their velocity, as they asymptotically approach the speed of light!”
“Excellent! I’ll just turn the power up, and…”
Amy feels the rush growing stronger. Now she sees the creeping flaws and anomalies of general relativity, and begins to understand the bits she’s read of string theory. The universe’s mysteries begin revealing themselves to Amy.
“Now, for maximum power!” Doctor Carluzzo throws a lever as far as it will go.
Amy’s body convulses as the sensation in her brain rises to an incredible climax. Her mind transcends human limitations as she reasons out all of the universe’s knowledge from first principles. Her eyes widen as the final secret of existence comes tantalizingly close. She grasps at it with her mind when suddenly-
Pop!
Doctor Carluzzo shuts off the device and rushes to Amy’s side. “How are you feeling now? Did it work? What can you tell me of the experience?”
Amy’s eyelids droop to half-mast. Her mouth opens as if to answer, but all that emerges is a stream of drool. “Ummmm….” She closes her eyes tight, as though deep in thought, “It… feel… Mmmmm… Funny? In the head.”
Doctor Carluzzo smacks his hand to his forehead, then pulls one of the devices from Amy’s ear. When he does, a stream of black soot flows out of her ear, forming a pile on the floor. “Ah! That… gooder,” says Amy, “Head feel less… stuffy? Now.”
Doctor Carluzzo pulls a small otoscope from his lab coat and pears into Amy’s right ear. “Just as I suspected! Her mind exceeded its maximum capacitance and blew out! Her brain’s fried, leaving only a shriveled, burned-out peanut-sized lump.”
“Tee hee! I like peanuts!” Amy contributes.
“I’m sure you do. Now, let’s try a little test. Something simple. If X squared plus ten X plus twenty-five equals zero, what does X equal?”
Amy thinks a moment, then starts giggling and blushing like mad. “Tee hee hee hee!” Doctor Carluzzo looks quizzically at his test subject. Amy whispers in reply, “I like ‘ex, too!”
Doctor Carluzzo roles his eyes. “Okay. Let’s try that a different way. What two numbers can you add together to make ten and multiply together to make twenty-five?”
Amy seems to understand the question now and she sets about trying to answer it. She shuts her eyes tightly, deep in thought. Her brow furrows. Beads of sweat begin forming on her forehead. Her face slowly turns red, then begins to darken as her meager brain calls on every ounce of oxygen it can get to perform the computations necessary to supply the answer to the riddle. Finally-
Poof!
Two puffs of smoke shoot from Amy’s ears. Her eyes open wide, then every muscle in her body relaxes, a stupid grin planted on her face. Doctor Carluzzo inspects her ears again. “Well, looks like she’s blown her last fuse. Oh, Fred!” the hulking monster, who had been sitting patiently since he strapped Amy onto the table, looks up, “I think I’m about done with this one. Make yourself useful and mulch her for the plants upstairs.”
Fred frees Amy’s body from the table then hoists her over his shoulder. Looks like Amy’s sociology degree doesn’t qualify her to be anything more than plant food!
Amy is in no state to continue this adventure or her life.