283. Clarissa Clarion's Final Adventure
“Eh, I'm sure I have time.” Amy clears a space for herself on the ground and, as she did so many times at her job in the library, sits down and takes a reading break.
As she opens the book she gets a funny feeling. Pushing it aside, she begins to read:
“Cadet Clarissa stood at attention on the deck of the UPSS Galaxion. She had been standing here for several tense minutes as her commanding officer, Lieutenant Hammer, reviewed her latest report. At last, her CO addressed her.
“'Well done, cadet. This intelligence will serve us well in the coming conflict. Now, I have another mission of utmost secrecy. Are you prepared to risk your life once again for the glory of the United Planets?'”
Amy rolls her eyes at the cliched setting and dialogue. Suddenly the CO is in her face, screaming.
“WHAT WAS THAT, CADET? DID YOU JUST HAVE THE TEMERITY TO ROLL YOUR EYES AT A SUPERIOR OFFICER?”
Amy breaks out of attention, stupefied by what's going on. She discovers that she herself is now aboard the UPSS Galaxion. She is surrounded by various human beings (and a few not-so-human beings) going about their work, clearly trying to avoid staring at the awkward scene that Amy has caused. Somehow Amy's mental picture of the words she was reading has fully transformed into reality without her even noticing.
“DID I TELL YOU THAT YOU COULD BE AT EASE?!” shouts Slammer.
Amy quickly snaps back to attention, or as close to it as she can manage given her complete lack of military training. “Sorry!” she says.
“Now then! Despite your grievous breach of decorum, you are still needed for a mission of utmost secrecy. You will return to your quarters and review the briefing materials there, then report to the flight deck at 0600 in full mission gear. Do you understand?”
“Yes, Ma'am!”
“Dismissed!”
The seething officer gives Amy a salute, which Amy returns. Now at liberty, Amy is left to wander about the spacecraft. The floor, the ceiling, the walls, all are made of solid metal painted gunmetal gray. Consoles are strewn about covered with strange buttons and mysterious blinking lights. A few portholes look out onto the blackness of space and the stars that lie beyond.
Amy decides to find her cabin. She looks around but can't find a map or directory. She tries to get somebody's attention, but everyone ignores her, too busy to answer her questions.
Amy wanders down the corridor and approaches a door. It slides open as she nears, hissing slightly. She walks through. As she passes the doorway, her vision fades briefly to black, then fades back in. With a hiss, a door closes behind her. She finds she's in a compact living quarters. There's a small bed built into the wall and a monitor on the other wall. Everything is gleaming white. In the middle of the floor is a white table with a small chair in front of it. On the table is a folder labeled TOP SECRET. A glance in a mirror reveals that Amy is now a rather full-figured blonde with a great mane of hair reaching down to her hips. Her eyes are blue and her lips are full and pouty.
Amy thinks for a moment, then decides that this must be her room.
“I guess that black-out was a scene change,” she thinks, “The author didn't have anything to say for my trip from the deck to my quarters, so I just skipped ahead.” Amy takes a seat, confused by all of this. “How do I get out of here? Maybe... Maybe it's like Quantum Leap. If I can finish the story, I'll jump back to my own body.”
That decided, Amy picks up the folder and begins reading. At first she's curious about why her orders in a sci-fi world would be on paper. Then she remembers that, in the 30s, computers wouldn't have infiltrated the popular imagination to the degree that they would later. Paper would have been an assumed part of the future, so paper is a part of this fictional world.
Amy reads her orders. She is to take a ship down to the planet Astrax. There, she must infiltrate the lair of the evil Queen Beatrix, obtain the war plans of the Astraxian Imperiate, and return them safely to base.
“Alright,” she thinks, “Not too difficult for someone whom I'm sure is a seasoned space explorer.” She stand up and finds a closet hidden in one of the walls. Inside is a space suit. It's the only clothing in the room, since it's the only suit she'll need for this adventure. Amy quickly removes her brown uniform and dons her new outfit: A shiny silver skin-tight suit, complete with white elbow-length gloves, knee-high high-heeled boots, a white belt, and a clear bubble space helmet. The helmet has a convenient hole through which she can thread her hair, allowing it to fall naturally down to her waist.
“Clearly this book was written by a male author,” Amy grumps.
She finds a bulbous red zap gun on a shelf on top of the closet, which fits neatly into the holster. It looks like a toy, but Amy assumes it to be deadly. It has a number of settings, STUN, FRY, ELECTRIFY, DISINTEGRATE, and OFF. She sets it to OFF, just to be safe.
Amy leaves her room, causing another scene transition that places her on the flight deck, hands on her hips, admiring her space ship, the Nebula Queen. It's your classic old-style space ship, silver conical body, narrowing to a point at the nose, suspended off the ground by big red fins. She walks over and climbs a ladder to the entry hatch, then slides in and seals the hatch shut behind her.
Amy takes a seat at what appears, based on the big steering wheel, to be the pilot's seat. She has absolutely no idea what she's doing, but experience doesn't seem to be necessary. Pushing a button at random, the engine fires and the ship takes off. Amy is treated to an out-of-body experience as she observes the ship flying through space, approaching a mysterious planet. As the ship gets closer to the ground, crackles of energy burst around the ship's hull. One of them makes contact with the Nebula Queen and she finds herself spiraling out of control toward the rocky landscape below.
Another scene wipe, and Amy emerges from her ship no worse for wear. The Nebula Queen, though, has seen better days. Smoke spews from the engine and the hull has been crumpled up so that it looks like an accordion. Amy hops out and commences exploring the barren landscape.
She finds nothing of interest, only weirdly-shaped rock formations. At last she crests over a mountain and finds herself looking down on a vast futuristic palace. It has numerous spires and is all smooth edges, dotted occasionally by blinking lights. If Amy could touch her head beneath her helmet, she would give it a scratch right now. This must be the Queen's lair.
“Freeze!” Amy turns around and finds herself confronted by a pair of identical green-skinned women in what looks like dominatrix gear, all black and shiny and strappy. Both of them wield futuristic rifles pointed at Amy.
Amy has to think fast. “What would Clarissa Clarion do?” Looking to her left she spots a large boulder. She lunges behind it, a pair of ZZZZAAAPs ringing out as she does. Looking back, she sees two smoldering blast marks where once she stood.
Amy catches he breath and draws her gun. As she prepares herself for the coming battle, she hears another ZZZAAAP and the boulder she's standing behind disappears into a cloud of dust. She's staring at the two patrolling guards, each with an identical serious expression on her face, both with long black hair pulled into tight pony tails that stick straight up-and-back from their heads about nine inches, then fall loosely down to their hips. One of them is recharging, a wisp of smoke wafting up from the barrel of her gun. The other is taking aim at Amy.
Quickly, Amy points her gun at the most immediate threat. Getting into the role, she can't resist shouting, “Die, Astraxian scum!” as she pulls the trigger.
Click!
Nothing happens. Looking curiously down at the gun, Amy realizes that her pistol is still set to OFF. She gulps nervously as she looks up to her attacker. Their eyes meet as the guard grins.
ZZZZAAAP!
A bolt of electricity arks from the barrel of the gun to Amy's chest. Amy winces, expecting to be vaporized, but finds that she is unharmed. Her silver skin-tight space suit, however, has been zapped out of existence. She now stands before the guards in her helmet, belt, gloves, boots, and a pair of pink panties festooned with shiny silver stars.
Unable to maintain her composure, Amy shrieks.
“EEEEEEP!”
She drops her gun and covers her breasts, bending one knee and turning her body aside in an attempt to hid herself. The guard on the right laughs, then takes aim and fires.
ZZZZAAAP!
In the wake of this blast, Amy is left in an immobile, particulate state, frozen in her position of abject embarrassment. Her wide eyes blink a couple of times, then her body collapses into a pile of dust on the ground. The boots, helmet, belt, and gloves fall down with the pile, while the star-spangled panties drift down lazily to land on top. Looks like this will be Cadet Clarissa Clarion's final adventure!
Amy is in no state to continue this adventure or her life.